Vælg dit selvværd til – igen og igen

Hvis der er én ting man skal besidde for at klare sig - i showbiz i særdeleshed - uden at gå psykisk ned, så er det selvagtelse. 

Her er mine bedste råd til hvordan man skaffer sig den – og beholder den!

Efter at have arbejdet med dette emne i årevis har jeg et par gode sætninger at dele. De blev vendepunkter for mig fordi de ændrede min måde at tænke på. Det ene kom fra min far, det andet fra en pianistcoach, Julian Thurper, som jeg konsulterede pga. præstationsangst. Rådet fra pianisten var:

”Repeat to yourself: Even though I know I’m not good enough (at this), I fully and truly accept myself.”

Det råd hjalp mig til at overvinde min præstationsangst I forhold til auditions, og det har siden været en stor hjælp. At acceptere sig selv som man er, med fejl og mangler og det hele, er dog ikke kun fantastisk i forhold til auditions og lignende. Det kan bruges i alle livets situationer, hvor man er bange for ikke at slå til. Når man accepterer sig selv i indeværende NU, vidende at man er i proces mod at blive bedre til noget, så hjælper det til at slippe angsten og det negative selvbillede. Og hvad holder mennesker mere tilbage end netop angst og et negativt selvbillede?

Det andet citat kom fra min far over telefonen mens jeg var midt i en dyb (parforholds)krise, hvor jeg følte mig så lidt værd at det nærmest gjorde fysisk ondt. Min far sagde noget om at mande sig op fordi:

”Andres respekt for dig starter med din egen selvrespekt.”

Det er måske hårdt at høre når man selv synes, at det er mega synd for én – men det er altså hovedet på sømmet, efter min mening. Og det giver håb! HER er nemlig en måde at handle sig ud af den dårlige situation på. Man kan ikke ændre andre, men man kan ændre sig selv. Man kan faktisk godt ”trække sig selv op ved håret”. I overført betydning, altså.

Vi må for en hver pris undgå at falde i offerrollen. Med offerrollen mener jeg et selvbillede der er passivt, opgivende, har lav selvagtelse og ondt af sig selv. Det ændrer ikke situationen til det bedre  at føle sig som offer. Tværtimod gør det jo netop sagen værre: Er du bange for at andre tænker dårligt om dig, så nytter det jo ikke noget at du selv glider ned i den samme negative selvopfattelse, for så giver du dem jo på en måde ret, ikke?

Jeg rettede derfor ryggen – mentalt og fysisk – og droppede at sidde og vente på at noget udefra skulle ændre min situation. Jeg droppede med ét slag at finde mig i mere. Jeg gik i gang med at finde et sted at flytte hen, så jeg bedre kunne holde min selvrespekt oppe indtil krisen fik en afslutning. 

At holde fast på min selvagtelse er nu en løbende proces. Jeg skal stadig minde mig selv om det når tingene er svære. Mine råd til dig næste gang du føler dig vraget, set ned på eller bare dårlig til noget, er derfor:

·         Vælg at skubbe den følelse fra dig. Ja, der ER et valg (man kan i det mindste prøve).

·         Vælg at rette ryggen – både mentalt og fysisk. De to ting påvirker hinanden.

·         Vælg at opføre dig som det elskelige og respektable menneske som du gerne vil opfattes som.

Det føles ganske vist sommetider som at spille skuespil, men det magiske er, at det virker alligevel!

Langsomt, men sikkert bygger man sin indre selvagtelse op på alle de gange skuespillet lykkes og andre ser dig, som du ønsker. For i virkeligheden er din vilje til forandring din virkelige styrke. 

Altså hvis man spørger mig J

Her er en sang om en kvinde, der nægtede at lade sig knække trods voldtægt og ydmygelser (Jeg græder tørre tårer for en ussel hund som dig). Og hun får sin oprejsning til sidst.

Mine venner i Basco spiller Liden Karen helt fænomænalt.

Tips til at undgå stress - for freelancere og arbejdsnarkomaner

Freelancere og folk der arbejder med deres passion, uanset erhverv, har det til fælles at vi aldrig rigtigt har fri. Som freelancer er det fx vigtigt altid at kunne tage telefonen i fald nogen ringer for at hyre os, og altid at stå til rådighed, fordi det er uforudsigeligt hvornår arbejdet ligger. Og som passioneret omkring arbejdet tager vi det med hjem.

Vi brænder vort lys i begge ender

Fordi vi brænder for det vi laver, tænker vi på det hele tiden, får ideer, løser problemer osv. – selv i sengen om natten! På den ene side er det sådan vi bliver virkeligt gode til det vi gør. På den anden side er det usundt for hjernen hvis den aldrig får pauser med mulighed for at køle af. Det kan ende med at hjernen får mindre, kroniske skader som fx hukommelsesbesvær, eller den kan helt brænde sammen i ”kronisk stress”, en ret invaliderende tilstand.

Freelancere bør derfor, ligesom alle andre mennesker, tage sig tid til ferie og friaften ind imellem – have down-time – helst i flere sammenhængende dage, for at det skal have effekt på hjernen.

Men tør vi slukke telefonen og holde fri? Spørgsmålet er faktisk om vi tør lade være, for vi brænder vores lys i begge ender, hvis ikke vi laver den prioritering.

Flere fakta om stress: http://www.naturli.dk/artikel/stress-du-er-ramt-for-livet http://www.stressforeningen.dk/om-stress/fakta-om-stress/hjernen-og-stress

Børn har brug for kedsomhedstid 

For nyligt læste jeg en artikel om at børn har brug for at kede sig. Kedsomhedstid. Rolig hjemmedag. Sjovt nok har jeg som mor nemmere ved at indføre den slags dage i mit liv for min datters skyld, end for min egen. Det er vist heldigt at jeg har hende, som kan tvinge mig til at holde fri! Men fra nu af vil jeg også holde fri for min hjernes skyld.

Link til artikel om børn, ferie og kedsomhed http://livsstil.tv2.dk/2013-06-18-bekymret-b%C3%B8rneekspert-for%C3%A6ldre-holder-ferie-uden-b%C3%B8rn

Jeg ved godt hvordan stress føles... 

For 1,5 år siden havde jeg en mængde symptomer. Det var i en periode hvor jeg for at spare penge op arbejdede fuld tid som lærervikar, samtidig med at jeg ved siden af kørte min sangkarriere med koncerter, øvning, auditions og opsøgende arbejde. Fysiske symptomer som søvnproblemer, for høj puls og konstant sitrende uro i kroppen opstod. Alligevel skulle der en næsten-besvimelse foran 8.klasse til for at få mig til at tage det alvorligt.

Jeg blev på opfordring fra en kollega, hjemme fra arbejde i 5 dage. Jeg løb, mediterede og gjorde mit bedste for at finde ro. De værste symptomer gik væk, og jeg fortsatte på jobbet. Men efter et halvt år var jeg lettet over at stoppe med det job. I princippet havde jeg to jobs, plus jeg var alene med et barn. Jeg tillod aldrig mig selv at holde fri, fordi jeg så følte at jeg svigtede min drøm om en karriere som sanger. Så jeg kløede på. Men smart var det ikke.

Symptomerne minder mig i mild grad om dengang jeg havde posttraumatisk stress i en alder af 20, blot uden angsten. Det er ikke noget man skal ønske sig at have.

Prioriter som en egoist

Det handler om at turde vælge at holde fri, for kun gennem et sundt arbejdsliv kan man holde til et langt et af slagsen. At turde sige nej til arbejde eller potentielt arbejde er essentielt. At turde sige nej til sociale begivenheder og muligheder for at netværke er også vigtigt, og måske lidt overset. Men basicly må man være lidt egoist og ind imellem prioritere egne behov først for at have overskud at give ud af. Ingen andre kan gøre det for dig.

De bedste råd til freelanceren – fra mig og fra min far jazzpianist Thomas Clausen, freelancer i mere end 40 år.

-Skemalæg fridage/ferie/fritid hvor du vitterligt holder fri! 

Sig nej til jobs og ”væren til rådighed”. Sluk mobilen. Slap af i hovedet. Tag gerne ud i naturen.

-Få dagslys. 

Kom ud under åben himmel. Hver dag.

- Regelmæssig motion. Stresshormoner skal ”brændes af”. Din krops alarmberedskab gør dig klar til at kæmpe eller flygte. Gør du ingen af delene bliver hormonerne hængende i uhensigtsmæssigt lang tid. Så løb/svøm/træn eller lignende. 30 minutters moderat fysisk aktivitet hver dag er jo den offentlige anbefaling. Det må være et minimum. Tag cyklen til arbejde, gå en tur i dagslyset. Ud af hoved, ned i krop.

VIGTIGT: Er du dog først gået ned med stress (sygemelding) så skal du i stedet holde dig i RO.

- Nattesøvn. Få den! Ja, det er jo banalt, men det er ofte den, der bliver skåret i, når døgnet bare ikke har nok timer. Og det er den, der ufrivilligt ryger, når kroppen går i stress. 7,5-8 timer pr nat skulle være nok for de fleste voksne. Vigtigt: ingen computerskærm i ca. 1 time inden sovetid. Lyset forstyrrer hjernens døgnrytme. I det hele taget er en fast døgnrytme sund at holde fast i, i det omfang det kan lade sig gøre. Byture til den lyse morgen er i det perspektiv ikke en god måde at pleje dig selv på.

- Køl ned. Hjerne og krop kan have brug for hjælp til at komme ned i gear på dage/i perioder, hvor der præsteres meget, fx koncert, oplæg osv.  Kroppen er god til at sætte sig op til det, med adrenalin, nervøsitet, fordøjelse der går i dvale for ikke at tage vores energi mm. Ofte kan man føle at man falder sammen lidt efter sin præstation. Det er godt. Men hvis ikke det sker, skal vi hjælpe os selv. Yoga og meditation er naturligvis oplagte ideer. Her er et par andre, mere lavpraktiske: Simpelt manuelt arbejde som opvask, lægge sokker sammen, strikke eller farvelægge malebog og lægge puslespil kan være som balsam for en hjerne. Gentagelse er godt.

- Træk vejret ordentligt. Helt dybt og roligt. Når man er stresset kan man have tendens til kortåndet, overfladisk vejrtrækning. Det er ikke godt for iltning af hjerne og krop. Så træk vejret.

- Sænk dine stresshormoner bevidst via din krops positioner. Denne TED-talk giver et indblik i hvordan vi med vores krops positioner kan sænke fx stresshormoner. Jeg anbefaler den stærkt.

How a mosquito taught me about succes

How a mosquito taught me about succes:

One evening I was chasing mosquitos in my bedroom, and I was rather lousy at getting them with my hand. Even though they were right there on the wall! Every time I tried, it was as if my hand was too late… as if it was hesitating a bit. It made me think:

What am I doing wrong?

My answer was: Actually, I don’t really want to hit them and smear them onto the wall. Maybe that is what’s stopping me from actually getting them? Maybe my brain is telling my arm to hesitate, because part of me doesn’t want to smear the poor thing onto the wall!

So I tried to prove my theory by deciding to really want to hit this next mosquito. And it worked!

I had encountered my own psychic barrier – and overcome it, just by deciding to hit the damn insect.

Since that evening I’ve begun to notice that effect in many other situations, in my personal life and in the world in general. So, for instance; it’s impossible to score without having a goal - but then it’s equally impossible to score/achieve a goal without really wanting to!

If you do not really want to (or fear what you want to do), your brain is going to stop you from carrying out the action. Your muscles are going to hesitate un-noticeably last second. 

I have noticed that about singing high notes in particular: If I’m afraid that the note will not come out, then my throat will tighten up and only strangled sounds are going to escape, and not the beautiful, rich tones I was hoping for. 

As my teacher Abbie Furmansky once said: “There are no high notes in fear”. And the better I got at trusting myself, the better it sounded.

When really wanting to do something, some things are important:

Believe in your own capability in doing so

This may sound trivial, but self-confidence is a must. Even if there’s only a 40% chance that you will achieve/score your goal, and a 60% chance that you’ll miss it, go “all in” on the 40%!

So the cute girl at the party might turn you down if you ask her… but it’s also possible that she won’t. And if you don’t give it a shot, you have made the 60% become a 100% all by yourself for not daring.

In Denmark there’s a saying: “Those, who don’t dare, don’t win”. And that gets me to the next sentence:

Let go of fear

Fear of failure, but also fear of success: I didn’t want to hit the mosquito with my hand, remember? I’ve noticed the same effect in big moments of (my) life: Maybe you don’t really want the new job (or new relationship), because getting it will affect your whole life? Lots of things will change and not knowing the outcome is provoking anxiety.

Let go of that fear, NOW. Go and do what it is, that you want!

Buy art and events - not material stuff!

What would happen if everyone cut down on the money they spend on stuff like new clothes/shoes/sofas/coffee machines etc. by 20% or even 50% - and then went spending the money saved on culture; art, concerts, events?

Economists and environmentalists agree that the world is running short on resourses, so we have to avoid over consuming and start thinking more about recycling, like for instance the new law in France, that says that super markets are not allowed to throw away edible food, but has to donate it to charity or the like. Awesome!

But what will happen to the economy if there’s less trade of material goods?

I think the economy will find a market for trade of immaterial things like knowledge, art and events. Sharing or streaming things like cars and movies instead of owning them is already a trend. This is the future, and it’s already happening.

Do we really need to buy all this stuff? 

Do I need 20 pairs of shoes? No, I don’t think so. 

Some say that shopping fills an empty space in us, but only temporarily so. Philosopher Alain de Botton made a wonderful documentary about this issue. Apparently, it was already answered by Epicurus in ancient Greece!

Video about the wisdom of Epicurus

Why we buy new things is, according to Alain de Botton, because its makes us happy for a while by filling the empty gap, the longing inside us, for a while. 

But: the nice feeling of happiness or attachment to the new pair of shoes/lamp/bicycle wears off ever so quickly – it cannot satisfy the longing for real happiness.

True happiness, it seems, comes from:

*Being with your friends/loved ones/family

*Being free of worries (even just for an hour)

*Being free of physical pain

A perfect reason for spending your money on an evening in the theatre with your girlfriend, isn’t it?

The healing powers of singing

Webster's Dictionary uses a musical term as synonymous with healing; becoming SOUND, well or healthy again. 

Personally I feel at deep down that singing has healing powers. 

If I feel sad or angry, anxious or happy I want to “sing it out of my body”. No matter what feeling I have to begin with I always feel better in both body and soul after singing.  

I am convinced that illness or physical pain very often derrive from emotional trouble or trying to suppress ones feelings. I’ve experienced this on my own body, ranging from neck tension because of worries to emotional stress (rejection) causing tinnitus and instant, unprovoked pain in my left shoulder lasting weeks after the incident.

That's why I did a bit of research and found something about healing and singing on the net. I cut out the best bits for you, but feel free to read the full entry here: http://singspirationsingers.com/home.cfm?id=709&sid=0 

Quote: "The link between deep breathing and good health is more than just theoretical. A thirteen-year-long study in Australia showed that respiratory capacity was a more significant factor than tobacco use, cholesterol levels, and insulin metabolism for determining people's longevity.

Nobel prize winner Otto Warburg published landmark studies in the 1960s that proved that cancer cells thrive in an environment starved of oxygen. When we sing we use deep abdominal breathing with the diaphragm moving forcefully downward which allows room for the lungs to fill up with oxygen. The physical signs of stress - cardiovascular, hormonal, immune, and muscular - are quieted and begin to normalize. 

"In a series of studies that examined how music affects blood pressure, pulse rate, breathing, and other aspects of the autonomic nervous system, participants' heart rates were found to respond to both volume and rhythm of music", writes Mitchell L. Gaynor,

M.D A 1993 report by scientists at Michigan State University showed that people who listened to or participated in music that they liked showed a drop of 25% in their levels of cortisol, a stress hormone that can depress the immune system when produced in excess.

Another study shows the same significant drop in cortisol levels in babies of 6 months when their mothers sing to them.

Music can activate the flow of stored memory across the corpus colossus helping the left and right hemispheres of the brain work in harmony. This stimulates the immune system.

Music can also excite peptides in the brain and stimulate the production of endorphins, which are natural opiates secreted by the hypothalamus which produces a feeling of natural euphoria.

Recent study shows that when cats are purring, the sound helps them to recover from injuries. More about healing with sound: https://experiencelife.com/article/the-healing-power-of-sound

Paul Newham in his book Using Voice and Song in Therapy says, 
"When we give voice to parts of the self which have remained mute then we reclaim, refind and rediscover something that has been lost." 

I see that when people have permission to express their sorrow and their pain, they can also express all of their joy!

On the other hand, if they suppress emotions of anger or pain in order to not let it show - “be a man” or be strong - they also tend to suppress their natural impulse to show happiness and tenderness as well. Because it’s the same mechanism, and the mechanism doesn’t know the difference between feelings we want, and feelings we don’t want! And that’s really bad, isn’t it?

That’s why if I was a doctor, I’d proscribe to everyone at least 30 minutes of singing every day, alone or in a group!

What does it take to reach for the stars?

What does it take to reach for the stars, or to fulfill ones potential?

This is a true tale about how my “ugly duckling” voice became a swan, and what the transformation really demanded from me.

I have always been working hard in order to become the best possible version of me – as a singer and as a person. To raise to the level of being a respected artist requires quite a bit of strength, courage and determination, I must say. So many auditions and competitions. So many times rejection and “No, you are not what we are looking for”. And I’m not even where I want to be yet.

I expected this, of course. My pianist father told me when I was 16 years old and considered a career as a singer: “Its 10% talent and 90 % hard work to become a musician”. 

That was when I thought “Great: Then I have a chance, after all!” - Because actually, I never considered myself an obvious natural talent. No, my voice was way too locked and tense back then. But I knew that I possessed the willpower to work hard for what I so eagerly wanted and secretly dreamed of. My biggest concern was if my psyche would be able to stand all the rejection?

There are 3 rules in showbizz:

-Keep going

-Keep going

-and keep going!

That’s what my actress/director stepmom tells me… And I suppose she is right. It is for sure right that those who give up are not the ones who get the jobs!

The fact that I have inherited plenty of musicality from my dad is more clear to me now than it was at age 16. Luckily for me, my dad never doubted it, though. He has always been my greatest support in this respect. In my times of doubt and frustration, he has always been there, supporting. 
Basicly, Dad told me: “Follow your heart. - That’s what I always did”. And he’s been living as a professional musician since the age of 21.

So I followed his advice.

I knew that if I didn’t at least try to follow my dream, I would be very sad and perhaps bitter at the age of 35!

On the other hand, if I had a go at it and did my best, but still not succeeding, it would be easier for me to let the dream go forever and concentrate on something else.

So I got into the academy of music, and that was a big milestone, a blueprint. But this was only the beginning. Many, many musicians graduate, but few can make a living from it in the end. My former teacher Lars Waage said: “1 out of every 12 graduated opera singers can make a living from singing on stage”. He also said he thought I’d be one of those who could, with my talent and determination. At least that was a comfort in the face of those bad odds.

But hey? Somebody has to be the “one out of the 12”, right? So why not me? Please let it be me! This is how one has to think. Believe in yourself.

The tenseness of my voice made it shrill in the high register. Only a perfect technique could help me unlock it. Many teachers have said unkind things about the lack of “velvet” or “golden roundness”, my “funky sound” or simply told me my voice wasn’t “pretty enough for opera”.

I knew it was true to some degree, but I also knew the only way to really judge my voice, would be when the tension was gone and a good technique could show my true potential. That's why I searched everywhere for the right teacher. I found her in Berlin: Abbie Furmansky. Later Ken Querns' Bel Canto Vocal Studio, London.

Knowing how much I’ve struggled during the years, try to imagine how good it now feels for me to be among the 11 singers to be in the final of Fulham Verdi Prize in London this month!

This, along with my first full scale opera production at the National Opera in Århus, is proof that my father was right. That I was right, too, in believing in myself. 

Right now I am really looking so much forward to going to London to sing. It’s living my dream.

Just to be among the selected singers feels like winning, to me. In the jury will also be Mr. Syrus from Covent Garden Royal Opera, and getting a chance to sing for him is not only a big chance, it’s a scoop! I hope my nerves will not freak me out, haha ;-)

I’ll try to focus on how happy I am, being there in that spot in London.

Here is one of the recordings of my voice that got me selected for the Fulham final:

Verdi: Nanetta's aria. Photos by Karolina Zapolska 

Take care out there, and pursue your goals with lots of energy and determination!

Musicians and the “bubble of joy”

I know many musicians, artists and other creative people. Most of them feel that this is true:

Inside their art there is a sanctuary. It’s a place where everything is good. Sheer joy lives there. It’s the best place to be. It’s a kind of sphere or bubble, that can wrap a person entirely. No harm can enter. It’s a safe and interesting and amazing place to be in.

When being in that bubble with other people (musicians in a band or singers in a choir for instance) there’s also the feeling of being connected and not being alone. This feels particularly good since it can be pretty lonely to be a human being, not least being an artist.

When is this bubble best? When is it most important to have? 

When there’s pain in the real world, when things are crazy or people are hurting us. How good to have this bubble to retreat into!!

For some people listening to their favorite music or watching a movie is enough, but a musician wants more: Performing the music yourself demands a greater level of concentration as well as a physical output. This helps shutting out everything else and reinforces the bubble. The state of mind, I feel, resembles meditation in a way. When combined with the muscle activity of, say, singing – it might be close to yoga or tai-chi.

This is so powerful and healthy: Like a self-healing through art.

I honestly don’t know where I’d be today without music. This possibility to slip away, and at the same time have a channel to direct my feelings out of me, has enabled me to deal with tough and heavy emotions through my life. To write text, to compose and to SING for hours every day has helped me get rid of heavy burdens of “old shit”. For this I am very thankful.

Schubert composed a wonderful song to a poem by Schober that describes the same gratitude towards the power of music, as I feel. 

Schubert: An die Musik

At this point in my life, being in my “bubble of joy” is not my only reason to sing and perform music: 

When I go on stage I want to bring this feeling to other human beings. I want to share with them my bubble of joy. 

Hopefully the music will make the world a better place for them, too.